Consumer Letter

I read this and laughed out loud! I hope you all enjoy it as much as I did.
CAUTION: Strong Language
Redistributed without permission, no infringement intended!

PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products.
She really gets rolling after the first paragraph...

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I
appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or
Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa
dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in
tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on
being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi
pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month
knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual
period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from 'the curse'? I'm guessing you
haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can
already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few
minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my
husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the
human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers
monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating,
puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings,
crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough
time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the
violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill
just be cause he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken
chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the
reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful
I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always
maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
'Have a Happy Period.' Are you fu**ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any
part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual
smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did
anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it,
James?FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never
be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on
Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march
down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan
to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something
that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular
Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately,
there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my
maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your
Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull
sh*t. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always!.

Best wishes,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

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